How is this going to help me?

Breast Cancer is a hard diagnosis....in any form. If you have pre cancer cells, have a lumpectomy and no chemo, a lumpectomy+chemo+ radiation , a lumpectomy+chemo+radiation+reconstruction, lumpectomy+re-excision+mastectomy+reconstruction+chemo, if you have cancer in your lymph nodes, not in your nodes......the diagnosis is just hard.


You wonder how to manage it, how to manage your family , how to the manage the doctors, how to manage your job , how to manage your friends , how to manage your life. What happens now?


You got to do research, you got to feel empowered, you got to listen, you got to trust that this will work and if it does not you have to have the courage to not give up or the courage to give in.




Hence, this is where my skill set comes into play. Not necessary in the order presented but certainly the elements displayed.





For real for real this is a huge list. I mean what exactly is active listening. I mean for real, for real. Well what I am going to do , it provide you with the definitions of of the terms displayed and wrap them up with what most website ask you to embrace when diagnoised and do a contrast and compare.

• Active Listening : is a skill set in which you ACTUALLY and INTENTIONALLY focus on what the other person is saying. This skill set helps when you are listening to the medical experts that are there on your team. This skill when strengthen allows you to actually Hear what the doctors/nurses are saying , not what your internal fears may be attempting to over come and overwhelm.

• Asking Clarifying Questions : These are simple questions of fact. Now what does this really mean? You as the patient have to and I really mean HAVE to understand what they are telling you about your cancer. This does not have to do with education and that the doctor has all this expertise or the nurses have all this experience with cancer patients. Yeah, ok. ..but damn it you are getting ready to walk down the cancer Road and you need to know the route. For example if they tell you have a certain type of cancer, ask them to explain it in terms that YOU understand, not your partner, not the nurse, but you! If this is hard for you to handle at this moment. Make certain that who ever is with you have the courage to ask these hard questions and get answers so that they can understand and subsequently explain it to you.
  





• Encouraging the other party to talk, to describe the problem : Some doctors just state the facts! I would encourage you to keep this doctor or nurse talking , in this 7-11 type medical world it is important that you make certain that the darn doctor knows what he is talking about , not just quoting stuff out of a medical book or from recent lecture or conference he attended . Does he or she really comprehend what they are spouting off to you.....hmmhhhsh ......if you keep folks talking they can and will trip up if they do not know anything....ala Sarah Palin....:)
  





• Clarify the persons description of the problem : Can you do this? Are you able to put this person problem in a nut shell.
  





• Rephrase their statements-show you understand and can grasp the concept or idea they are trying to convey: This is when you take a minute to think....Remember a diagnosis of cancer is a tremendous burden. This is the biggest fight of your life. These folks (doctors-medical team) are throwing stuff at you ..You need to slow them down and see if you can sort through this cloud of information and rephrase it so that you understand and they know you do .
  





• Ask questions and invite the other party ask questions: Ask questions and show that you are open to questions as well. For in order for your medical team to develop a effective treatment plan, they must know everything and I mean everything about you. On the flip side, you must feel comfortable enough to question your medical team. Their treatment plan, their choices of techniques, medicines, options and have they been honest and honorable about their ability to know how to treat your particular type of cancer. If they do not invite questions or give you a lot of BULL Sh*& , if you try to ask questions......well Sweetie is time to not walk but run for the door! Remember as I said earlier , you are the project manager of this life here. You are responsible for ensuring you got the best folks on your team and the best experts you can find. You have a right to question and demand exceptional treatment. However, you will not get it if they do not interact with you fully.
  





• Give feedback and ask for feedback: We have now moved into the project manager role in full effect! You got to give feedback, are these medications making you sick? Are u able to eat? Are you having financial difficulties? Are you depressed? Your medical team needs to know these things. This is no time to be a martyr. You do not walk on water and teach others. You are made in God's image but you are not God! If you hurt mentally , physically, or emotionally, let your team know. They may have medicines, could refer you to social worker or a mental health professions. There are options & opportunities! Now you also got to ask for feedback, is the treatment working, what are my options, what are you thinking, what should I expect. Remember your team is great but they are human. They are not God , although they are made in his image. Although you may feel this, you are not the only patient. Ask them, ask for the copies of your blood work, ask what does this mean, why are you doing this. I would propose the more you know the less fearful it will be....

• Be honest: Let you medical team know what is going on with you. Provide them with your full medical history! Did you drink, smoke or do the the boogalo! If you do not tell them everything...how will they have the background prepare a effective plan of action. This is not the time to hold back, this is the time to be forthcoming and open.
  





• Be tolerant: Respect the opinion of your teams, hear their guidance, hear your family, you do not have to agree ...but learn to respect and tolerate different opinions and views.
  



• Be open to new ideas and views: Wow! this is a hard one but one that you should consider. There are a lot of ideas and views that will be thrown at you. Everyone has someone in their lives who has gone through breast cancer. Be open to what you want to hear and learn to shut it down if you do not want to hear it. Being open does not mean being a door mat. Even though you are sick for the most part you have your mind and you have the ability to voice your views, if you do not...You need to have a trusted partner who will!
  



• Acknowledge the other persons perspective: Remember you are the project manager of this very important project...this also means that you are most likely not the expert but you surround yourself with experts...so be sure to listen and acknowledge the others views as being important. Especially your partner...(husband, wife , friends, family or friends with benefits :)
  



• COMMUNICATE WITH A PURPOSE: This is so critical.. Do not just talk to be talking. What are you attempting to accomplish, what do you want to know, what are you trying to convey? This is when you do your homework...u have an absolute right to speak your peace, demand the best care and demand the best doctors...if you do not know what you seek ...how will they provide u with the right service.
  



• Consult with others when planning to communicate: This is where , T was critical in this project. I read, researched and consulted with him, my sister-n- law who is a nurse, my sorority sister who is a nurse and my friends. However, the final decision was mine and mine alone. It takes time and courage to get here...but you will get there.
  



• Consider the timing, setting and social climate -self explanatory
  



• Be aware of your tone, expression, voice volume : Critical....your tone and the way you come across will provide you with the best help or the worst. Treat everyone with respect and reverence. You will be surprised who will help you get through those dark dark days.
  



• Humor : This is how I dealt with a lot of dark days. Self effacing humor. I laughed at my self. I told jokes about what was happening. Sometimes my humor was dark ....some times it was light...but I laughed a lot more than I cried! You will be surprised where you can find the humor if you look hard enough.
  



• Know what you want: I wanted the best doctors, the best treatment, I wanted to be treated with respect, I wanted my medical team to be honest and open with me, I wanted my team to communicate with each other, most of all...I wanted to live for me ....and than for my Terry, my mom , my brothers, nieces and friends....If you know what you want , you will do whatever you need to get it.
  



• Look for the common goal : the common goal is to make me well...However, I want to be informed and I want my team to be informed and to feel free to inform me....
  

• Transfer yourself : WOW .....this is hard for doctors to do...and for patients to want to do and for families to do. But it must be done. How are you as a doctor going to be truly empathetic ....with your patients...if you have not tried to transfer your self into their shoes....how would you want to be treated ..if you had cancer...the same for the patient..u have cancer but that does not really give u the right to be disrespectful and hateful...and unforgiving. But you can be mean :) hehehehheheh ! What about the support group....it is frustrating to attempt to support someone who you cannot help, u just cannot fix what is wrong..transfer yourself into their shoes and perhaps you will have a little more patience.
  

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