3 days and we have a let down

Dr. B called as promised. The lymph nodes are clean. He got the tumor. There are no clear margins. I was like what. No clear margins. I am pissed. Good and pissed. Right now we can not go forward. I am high on percocet. In pain. We cannot go forward.

I do not want another surgery. I do not want to go under again. I want to move forward. I do not know what to do . I just got this job offer. I want the job bad. I am tire of commuting. I want to work in the field of mediation full time. That is my passion. It is what I have worked for. For 9 years. I created my own experience. It will finally pay off.

Now this. What to do? I have two options now. 2. I can have a re-excision or a mastectomy.

I told Dr. B. I wanted the TATA gone. It is a bad TATA. He said fine.

So I told Terry. He said fine. Just want you to consider reconstruction. Ok, what ever.

I started to just get madder and madder. What did I do to cause this stuff? Why was my life going right and now turned to the left. One of my coworkers had sent me a package while I was out. She sent stuff for my dog Bootsy and for me. One of the packages was a Whomp mallet.

Man , I loved that Whomp mallet. I blew it up and whomped it. I whomp the chair, I whomped the couch. I whomped the stairs. I scared the dog, I scared T. Shit , I scared me.

I just wanted to just beat something up. I was already over this cancer shit and its treatment. I was just over it.

Than I calmed down. I focused on the big picture ....which was what do I do next.